Perfect Timing

I got on lds.org last night looking for something that I can't even remember now and instead found myself  reading this written by President Monson a couple years ago-read it. It was one of those times when something I needed just happened to be right in front of me.

I've been feeling incredibly judged lately. Seemingly innocent comments and jokes from friends and family who don't understand what goes on in my little world. (No, not in the 'you don't understand me!' with a door slam sort of way.) I've struggled with depression for a long time and have done what I could to deal with it including medication (which I am all for, when it works for people), counseling, exercise/activity. After Sophie was born, it was so bad there were days I couldn't even make myself get out of bed to eat, much less do anything else. I'm a goal/task/project oriented kind of person and that was a huge change for me. That just fed the destructive thoughts that I couldn't seem to control. Add to that a huge increase in anxiety that often comes with depression. Have you ever been afraid to get in a car to the point that you have a complete panic attack? Been so terrified of light posts, other cars, curbs and yourself while driving that you have to talk to yourself out loud to just get from one point to another? It took time, trying many different medications and some great counseling to get back to being a sane person. Well, as sane as I've ever been. On top of that, I felt like I shouldn't talk about it or tell anyone other than Craig what was going on. Why am I sharing this now? Because when I was reading the talk last night I kept wondering how many people I have judged or ridiculed simply because I didn't have all of the facts. Who have I made feel worse or struggle more because I expected more or something different based on some silly artificial standard of what it means to be something? I hope I never do that again.

"Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”  I ask: can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer—with Mother Teresa: no, we cannot."

I also hope that others can be a little slower to judge, too. Just because I (or Craig, for that matter) am away from home doesn't mean I don't care about my family. I find it incredibly rude/hurtful when someone makes a comment about me not taking care of my family (example: "why aren't you home making dinner?") and that I'm "only thinking about" myself. When I'm home by myself without much in the way of adult interactions, those scary, nasty thoughts try to get to me. By getting out, I am able to avoid a whole lot of that, I'm a "fuller," happier, sane person and can often do more and be more for those around me, like my little family, because I have been able to take care of myself. 

"My dear sisters, each of you is unique. You are different from each other in many ways. There are those of you who are married. Some of you stay at home with your children, while others of you work outside your homes. Some of you are empty nesters. There are those of you who are married but do not have children. There are those who are divorced, those who are widowed. Many of you are single women. Some of you have college degrees; some of you do not. There are those who can afford the latest fashions and those who are lucky to have one appropriate Sunday outfit. Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences tempt us to judge one another?"

If someone wants to call me selfish for taking care of my individual needs, I suppose they can. Lucky for me, my needs and subsequent choices are between me and Heavenly Father. 

"Wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!"

Once upon a last month, I made a wedding cake. It was quite the adventure. Thanks for letting me be a part of your celebration, Collin & Charity! Here are some pictures of the shindig. 

There was a trampoline in the ground. Sophie
had a fun time playing on it with Charity's
youngest siblings. No, we won't ever have one.

Cute center pieces. Fish in bowls. Brent
named this one Nigiri. 

It was raining when I got there so
as much of the prep as could be was
done in the house. 

The final resting place: the cutest gazebo I've
ever seen in a persons yard. 

The final cake.

In case you can't tell, they had a
beach/coastal theme.

Sophie also found a friend and
"helped" put the lanterns up.






 

Have you ever had a series of really lousy days at home and thought you've made a huge mistake? The mistake of becoming a parent, that is. Apparently more people than are willing to admit it publicly have- just ask around.   That's how I'm feeling right now. I hate cleaning. I hate being pooped on.  Spit up on. Bit (that's a new one for Sophie- thanks, cats.) Cleaning up messes of all kinds. Being treated like a lesser person by people because I'm not "contributing to society" by working at least a true part-time job and then at the same time being treated by the others like a selfish brat because I teach guard 5 hours a week and have substituted once and plan to continue to do so. I hate crying babies. I'm also apparently "not mom enough" because I can't exclusively breast feed. Yes, CAN'T. I appreciate the kind advice I've received but oatmeal hasn't worked, I'm properly hydrated, the rose tea is gross and on and on. I'm so close to being done- as soon as she is on solids, I quit. I'm tired of nursing and then strapping myself to a pump another 10 times a day so I can get enough to almost be enough. And then have it spit up on me. I'm not a cow and I'm sure as hell not a cow who wants to work hard making milk to have it wasted.

So, once again, I'd like to tell the world to buzz off and have a nice evening.

Olivia- 3 Months Old!

Chatting with her new bug friends. 

Happy 3 months, Olivia!

3 whole months and only 3 months. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way about babies.

A few Olivia fun facts:

Olivia is good at helping
daddy nap on Sunday
 afternoons.

• As of Saturday night, she can roll from her back to her tummy. She doesn't know what to do once she gets there, but it's still fun rolling, nonetheless. 
• She is VERY active! I need to get a video of it, but she is pretty entertaining to watch as she kicks/runs like mad when she's on her back. 
• She has recently started batting at her mobile
• Her favorite places to sleep are snuggled up in our bed and on daddy's tummy. She's napping next to me on the bed right now. 
• She is quite the social little lady. Cooing, talking, the occasional giggle, big smiles, looking for Craig or I when she hears our voices...
• She enjoys sitting up in her boppy and watching her big sister run around the family room. She tries to bring herself to a full sitting position but her muscles aren't quite there yet. 
• She is quite the spitter. Her uncle Andrew could have won a gold medal in spitting up and I think Olivia is going to break his record. While the height and distance  she can get with  her projectile spitting is pretty impressive, it is frustrating for me. Nursing has 

  

  Sometimes the giant bibs
  are enough to catch the
  spit up. But not always.

  been easier with her than with Sophie but keeping up has been just as hard. Olivia will eat, burp and then return around half of what she has eaten. And then scream until we give her something else (aka formula) to eat. Pumping and bottle feeding seems to help a bit but let's just say I'm not going to be sad to switch to formula only in a few months (if we make it that long.) 
• She is so little still that even though she is 3 months, she has just barely outgrown her newborn clothes. A few outfits still fit but we're happily using her 0-3s now. If she keeps this up, she'll be able to fit into Sophie's winter clothes perfectly this Fall despite having a 6 month/season swap with birth dates. As silly as it may sound, I am thrilled! 
• Last night we're pretty sure she slept for about 7 hours. That or we were both too tired and didn't hear her cry. Which I guess is possible but her pack & play is right next to our bed. 

Other things Olivia has been up to: 

Resting in the shade with
Uncle Bryan

• Went to 7 Peaks a few times. Sitting on a floating tube, snuggled up with mommy in the wave pool is pretty comfy. 
• Met Uncle Bryan. He's pretty cool to snuggle on, too! 
• Went to her very first wedding reception- congrats Collin & Charity! 
• Went on her first camping trip
• Went to her first ever band camp (she pretty much slept right through it!)

Band camp. "Go Guard!"

At her 2 month appointment, Olivia was behind on most of her milestones. We were told not to worry, she was very likely to be caught up before she was 2 and that she would be on a premie growth chart for some time, as well. In the last month, she has caught up and is actually now doing things from the "some may be able to:" chart. I'm not concerned with her being an 'advanced' child or any silliness like that but I am very happy that despite being early, she is at the very least, right where she should be and then some. 

Happy girl getting ready to go see
daddy for a lunch date.

Yup. I'm one of those. Again.

Our "perfect" children,
perfectly put together in our
perfectly clean room.

Refused to nap and fell
asleep in her high chair

Does anyone else remember, prior to becoming a parent, saying "when I'm a mom/dad, I'll NEVER ____"fill in the blank. Now that you're a parent, do you find yourself doing X? I do. I still believe the only perfect parents are those without kids. You know, the ones who will NEVER: lose their temper, let their child go to the store with who knows what stuck in their hair, look the other way when the toddler puts her face on the cat, prop a bottle, think a not-so-stylish ponytail & gaucho pants are okay to be seen in at the park... All of those things. Did you also vow before #2 came along that you would get just as many pictures, write about them just as much and spend just as much time with them snuggling, playing, reading etc. as you did with the first?



Yeah. I was smarter than to assume I'd have just as much time but I did grossly underestimate the time (and energy!) I would have to just snuggle with Olivia. Lucky for me, I was a massive hormonal mess for several months after Sophie was born so I don't think I'll have a problem keeping up with a similar level of picture-taking or writing about her. ;)

I was busy feeding Olivia so she got her
own snack. Good thing the
grapes are washed and
put in a convenient container.
Oh, and good that grapes
 roll. Good toys for the cat. :/

Found trying to eat her
"LaLa" toothpaste out
of the tube

I do wish I could somehow magically make all of the laundry, dishes, car maintenance, bathrooms, grocery shopping etc. disappear so I could spend all of my time with the girls. Yes, I do make doing laundry a game with Sophie, she does like to help me clean (she's pretty good with the swiffer in the kitchen, getting trash to the trash can, putting her pillows on her bed and things like that) but by the time we've gone through our day, I'm quite tired. Sophie goes to bed between 7:00 and 8:00 and then Olivia is up for several feedings and will settle in around 10:00. On paper, it makes perfect sense to have that time set aside for one on one Olivia time. In real life, after a full day of everything, a couple days a week of guard* and such, I'm ready for bed by 8:00. Worse still, I actually enjoy spending time with Craig
and I don't like being tired and occasionally grumpy when he gets home. I haven't quite figured things out yet but we'll find our balance and rhythm soon. For now, I think I'll start taking an iron supplement again. :)

And there's Olivia. Well,
she's pretty much perfect
for now. It'd be nice if she'd
sleep through the night but
we'll get there. 

*Before anyone oh-so politely suggests again that I drop color guard, I might suggest you not make that suggestion. I don't ever want to hear another person say 'you're a mom now, you don't need to do that anymore.' Why? Because yes, actually I do need it. Everyone needs SOMETHING and for me that is color guard. Thanks for asking :)