January 30, 2013

Okay. It finally happened.

I'm having myself a mini meltdown tonight. Why? All of the stress of, well, EVERYTHING has smacked me upside the head. Thanks for that, life. I really appreciate you doing that NOW.

Current stresses:

  • Dealing with the lovely little pinworm party in our house. So. Much. Bleach. I wonder if my hands, nose or our clothing will ever be the same. : /
  • Surprise! We are selling our house and moving (within the neighborhood). With selling comes house showings. Which require homes to be model homes, not lived-in homes. Think it's stressful trying to keep your house "clean enough" for unexpected visitors with two wee ones? Try keeping it beyond perfect. While working. Actually, I like all of you so don't do that. 
  • I'm working. This in and of itself is not stressful since it is keeping me sane and unmedicated. But, for some reason, people still seem to think that if the mom parent is working, she is still responsible for all of the things she might do if she was an at home mom. There are simply not enough middle fingers to express my frustration with this whole concept. I cannot make everything from scratch, have perfectly manicured nails, gorgeous hair, a perfect body, spend 18 hours a day with my girls, have an amazing dinner on the table every single night of the week when Craig gets home (I'm also having a "why should I be expected to do that?" moment with this one), an immaculate house, perfectly dressed, clean, happy, kids and always be working on the next item on the Pinterest list of "1,534 ways to serve your husband" and on and on. 
  • Color guard is at the beginning of the season. I LOVE guard. It's a big part of me and I absolutely adore the people I work with at Spanish Fork and Springville this season. As much as I love it, there are things that are just stressful at this point in the season. Our first competition is Saturday. We don't have all of the silks we need for our flags. Our big props aren't done yet. We don't even know exactly how we're getting to this show (fingers crossed we find out tomorrow morning.) 
  • 6th grade show. I need to find a pianist. And figure out what I want to delegate to the classroom teachers and what I need to do myself. I will not be a control freak. I will not be a control freak...
  • I have depression and anxiety. Notice I said that *I* have it. It does NOT have me. Most of the time. Working- having structure and people counting on me to be somewhere- has been huge. The depression isn't nearly as bad as it was months ago. The anxiety is a bit better but it isn't great. For people who have never been there, it can be a nasty cycle. I need my car to get places but driving causes panic attacks. I like to talk to people on the phone when I'm driving for this reason. If no one answers, I talk to myself out loud. Yup, I'm one of those people you see at stop lights talking. 
Okay. Writing has helped some. I still want to have a good cry and have been pushing it away all day. Maybe a warm shower will help.